Gahh.

Gahhh. Blegh. Fuck.

Yeah, there's no better way to describe how I'm feeling.

The guilt. It's killing me. I haven't lived for a minute without some form of intoxication since that night. I haven't slept in four nights, haven't eaten a bite. The only good thing thats come of this is that I lost close to 7 pounds. I've been trying to do that for months. Apparently the meager food I've been eating and occasionally been throwing up has been too much to allow for weight loss.

Or maybe its the heroin. Probably is. Or maybe an advancement in the AIDs. I can't be sure. Either way, none of it has hurt my relationship with Sol. Though, the guilt keeps piling on when I add on the charade I've been keeping up with him. I haven't told him any of this because of what happened last time. And I can't lose him now. I can't afford to lose him because he's the only constant... the only one I can rely on.

And as much as I hate to admit it... I need the sex. I need it because it's the only thing I can trhow myself into that allows me to do exactly what I want to without holding back.



Ever since that night, the pack hasn't changed. I suppose its because I'm still new or something, but I expected everyone to at least be a little upset the night after. But nothing... they still run around my house and jump on sofas and all that. I don't know.

I do know this though: I will never be half the alpha as Eli. The fact that this is eating away at me slowly is a sure sign of that. I can't even eat fuckinh animals for christ's sake because I think it's inhumane. But, the circle of life goes round and around with the instincts of the pack... I just can't keep up.

I want so bad what Eli has now. To give in to instinct and live that way. I want to stop living with the pain that I hide from everyone. I want to be that kid again. I want to run around our land with my next door neighbor and hide on the other side of the shed and sneak kisses, never telling my parents.

I want to be the older brother to Jaimie that Sloan was to me. I want to tell her "it will be alright" and not be uncertain myself. But things are so fucked up that I can't control things anymore. I want nothing more than to escape this life. I would have so many years ago if I didn't promise her... if I didn't promise Jaimie that I would always be here for her.

I just can't do this anymore. Maybe I'll just stick to the heroin and live whatever void of an existence I have left in a blur. If the heroin doesn't kill me, the AIDs will eventually.

I await that day with arms wide open.



I just won't tell anyone that. Shh. It's our little secret.