I Like Writing Again... I think...

I'm going to try writing out my thoughts again, I guess like a dialogue with the universe. And, the reason I use the word dialogue is because I feel some sort of cosmic something is responding by giving me momentary bursts of inspiration. Not that I really need to explain myself to the universe; just trying a format other people will understand. And, I'm listening to music, so forgive me, because my thoughts will probably shift with every track.

Today I haven't really done much. I think maybe I'm depressed. But I'm not sure, because I think I eliminated my capacity for introspective concision. Or maybe it's that I'm afraid to examine myself under the lens. But, when I think that, it doesn't seem like that's the case at all. And, usually I'm a pretty good judge of truth or untruth when it comes to genuflecting. Maybe I've just evolved or devolved away from being too critical of myself. Generally, I find that this makes me a more happy person. Perhaps, that's why I'm depressed: because I can't really find the time to hate myself. aren't we all just people?

I find that I rationalise everything almost everything I do. Which, on the whole isn't so bad, but I have to sometimes keep it in check, lest I lose perspective and end up a sociopath, and ruin any semblance of moral aptitude I might have. It's been my motto, lately more than ever, to do what is best for me. But I've corrupted that noble desire, by doing completely selfish things. And, taking care of yourself first, I think is a virtue. But I've overdone it a bit and, I think, been overindulgent. It hurts people I care about, and mostly myself.

But it's going to be okay, I think, because I've apologised. And am now making every effort to follow through. I, more often than not, find that my initiative is lost after the first few 'yes's'. But Inertia is powerful, yes? So lets gather some momentum!

…………..'What once was mine, is now undone'…………..


What is love? Really? I defy anyone to define love. Doesn't it vary by situation, isn't it all contextual? And, doesn't everybody have a different ability? So there are three types of love, or so the book says. And, everyone wants a healthy balance. All I want, I think, is someone who wants exactly what I want. But, not in the competitive sense. I think if we strive for the same vague concept of beauty and perfection and completeness, then I love you. I might not always love you, but time is immaterial. I will always have memories of having loved you. All of the hazy memories of adrenaline and comfort and pheromones and every time I ever held you in my arms and whispered I love you. Which is, I hope, all you'll have taken of me.

That's all I really want before I die (not to change the subject, but in my mind it all flows), to look back on my life and say it was good, and that I tried to do what was within my means to make the world a better place for me and those I cared about. I want good memories, of romance and beauty, and happiness. I mean, those are just my ideals. I want many, many things. That's just my completion goal. The last thing I have to do before I can leave peacefully.

…………….'honestly, what will become of me?'……………..

Of course, I want to make my mark on the world. I want to be remembered for something. I'm not sure how I'll do it, but I can't stand to be faceless or nameless. It's a drive I realise not everyone possesses. I'm even aware that some people look with disdain upon my type.

Insanity is a state everyone must broach upon. I'm probably not qualified to make such statements, but I can't help but form opinions based upon my own personal experience. I believe temporary moments of insanity (obsession, absolute depression, recklessness, wrath, etc.) are experienced by everyone. It only becomes unhealthy when you lose your focus on your identity, and you can't swivel back into being a centered being. Something most humans can't function without. Obviously even the ones upon Nirvana's footsteps are like infants. To be close to whatever 'God' is or might be to you, is to cease to exist as a unique entity in my opinion. And, that's my little tidbit of spirituality. And, I allow them to myself: hope, and the like. Selflessness is great, but everything in moderation please. Which is why I'll never be religious.

I'm tired of writing for now, but I enjoyed this. I'll probably so it again soon.