The Beginning?

I suppose this is where it all starts. However, beginning is a relative term. My life is beginning to look like a bunch of endings currently. And, admittedly, I wouldn't mind so much. I would love for a lot of this shit to just end. But, I doubt that it will. My life will probably end before the endless line of crap does.

But, for a few people, I'm keeping my hopes up. I went for a run last night, crashed in the meadow and woke up to take my AZT. Fortunately, since I was already outside, I watched the sunrise. It was beautiful. Something that just completely puts things into perspective. Nothing mattered all of a sudden. I thought about waking Jaimie and Julia to come see it with me, but, Jaimie needs her sleep for baby's sake, and being alone in the silence with Julia would probably make me manic at that point. I haven't told her yet, about being HIV positive. It's advanced quick, but nothing ridiculous yet. Though, not telling Julia is probably for best, for now.

Truth is, I hit a wall with my hidden truth last night. Jaimie was at John's, and Julia was looking to loosen me up. Though we've done it before, I hadn't known about it. And now I'm not taking that chance. Not without telling her especially. Heh, it's completely selfish, but I'll miss the outlet. She keeps me sane; always has.

Yet, I'm still confused. Which is a first for me. Since I lost my virginity to her and realized that I was gay, I have never once second guessed it. Never interested in the girl in the tight skirt, or trying to see up it. But, I know since I stopped dating Julia that I never stopped loving her. We told each other that being each other's best friends was perfect. We were kindred souls, destined to always be there, perfect, for one another. That lasted for many, many years. Maybe it was too much testosterone or too many broken hearts from men, but, I feel myself infinitely more attracted to her than anyone, or any man. For years I told myself that my love for her was merely non-sexual, that I loved her more as nothing more than exactly what she was. A kindred spirit, an added sister, perhaps. But, even though I feel myself completely and irrevocably in love with her, I'm still confused.

I'm confused about all the feelings. Kaleb, who I can't find it in myself to be angry with him. I should be pissed that he gave me this disease without telling me he ever had it, but I'm not. Not a single inch of me is angry, not even a centimeter. I don't miss him, really. I miss the fun I was able to have with him. Not that it was healthy fun, but thats what was so great about it. With my parents death, I was forced to grow up at 16. Going on the road was the best, and worst decision of my life. I found out a lot.

I found a heroin addiction, and AIDs, and every other drug. I also found anorexia and self destruction... but, through all that, I found me. I found the worry free teenager, the talented lighting designer, the care free lover, and all other parts of me I had lost with my parents. I snapped into father mode, and fought to take care of Jaimie, never thinking once about how it was effecting me. I don't regret that... not one bit. I realize now how much of a difference it has made for Jaimie. She is completely normal these days. I suppose a little irresponsible, but, it happens to teenage girls all the time. Other than that and a small bought of cutting, she never had to deal with herself.

I can't be angry at Kaleb for everything I picked up on the road because I don't regret it. i don't regret going either. I miss it, as well as being with him. I was so utterly and completely carefree.

But, those days are gone.

Then there was Sol, from whom my heart is still attempting to heal from. That sounds extremely girly, but it's true. I just can't comprehend. We were perfect. Or, at least, I thought we were. I thought he was the one I could trust for everything, but, apparently I was wrong. Being in the pack with him now is just torture. I can't even look at him anymore, never mind give him orders.

But I am so incredibly excited about Julia living with us. Not only for myself, but also for Jaimie. While the added estrogen uneases me (having on more period in the house to deal with should be fun...) Though, I am extremely thankful for her presence in Jaimie's life. She'll be an angel when it comes time for the birth. And it's nice just having her around. It's a little less quiet, and I have much less alone time and free time (which, believe it or not, is a very good thing.)

Oh, Jaimie. She won't talk to me. Well, she talks, but never about whats bothering her. And I no better than to corner her - then she'll stop talking all together. It's frustrating. I just feel so guilty. First mum and dad, then Evander, eventually the baby, and now a death sentence looming over my head. It must be killing her - and I wish she would fucking talk about it. The worst part about it is, I can't talk to them. I haven't told Julia, and I can't talk to Jaimie. I can't tell Jaimie how scared I am, because she's a thousand times more afraid. It's like I've boxed myself into a lonely corner. Oh well, at least there are less people to miss me in, I don't know, 10 maybe 12 if I'm lucky years.

So much for a beginning, yeah? It's good to get it off my chest.